Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
