You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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