all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
