I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
