Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
