Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
too bad you live with your parents still
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
