Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
