Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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