Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
