this boner is exhausting
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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