my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
