matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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