Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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