you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
