Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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