I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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