I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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