i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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