Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I AM VODKA MAN
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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