Someone shit on the floor
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
