So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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