im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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