Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Let's get the cat blown out
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
