so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
