I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
