my mouth tastes like poor choices
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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