I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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