I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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