you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
