Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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