god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize