I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
