its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This is my gift to your gina
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
