What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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