there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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