when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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