If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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