im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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