I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
