when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
