tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
