so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
