just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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