I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
