I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
