What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
