I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
