Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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