That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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