Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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