I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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