i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
