I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
