She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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