tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
