I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
