My cat gives me a boner
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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