how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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