I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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