Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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